What Am I Supposed To Say?

I found out your news today. I hope that [N]'s telling me doesn't upset you.

I wish I could say something to take away your pain. I wish I could say something that would make the world seem better, or something nice. I wish some beautiful words would come flowing out of my mouth and into your ears to help you feel not so alone.

After what has happened, nothing I say can really help heal your pain. Nothing I can say will bring them back and take away the hurt.

All I can do is just tell you that I’m sorry for your loss, I hope you’re okay soon, and that I love you so much. Then I can offer a warm hug of sympathy from a person who has been close to where you are. All my shirts are nice and soft and warm, with plenty of cloth to cry into, should you need to.

All I can do is be there for you and hope that, sooner or later, you’ll be okay again, and then everything will be right with the world.

I'm so sorry, love. There are no good words to describe the pain I can only imagine that you're feeling. If you need anything, I'll be here for you, through thick and thin.
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Double post today. Along with the above to my dear friend, [T], I have some words to share with whomever is reading.

Lately, a dear friend of mine has been talking about killing himself on his birthday. His birthday is tomorrow. I haven't told anyone... yet.

If he doesn't change his mind by 8:00 my time, I will call 1-800-SUICIDE, and ask for guidance. I feel stupid for not telling anybody or calling anybody sooner.

He says that he'll be taking this risk. If he wants to take this risk, I'll take one, too, only first. Hopefully, my risk with prevent his.

Wish me luck. I don't need anything other than that right now, other than strength.

Isn't it so fortunate that I have the Suicide Hopeline programmed into my phone? (The reason why will be told in a future post, possibly.)

Just 'Cause You Feel It Doesn't Mean It's There

Alas, my mental state has confused many, including myself. I'm not sure if I'm mentally ill, or just... I don't know.

I'm taking a sabbatical from a website I'm heavily active in because of personal trouble... I'll be posting here while I'm gone so those at the site will be assured that I'm still alive, despite the fact that it's not my whole spiel that is the problem.

So... I heard a song by Radiohead recently that I really liked, and then I found out the album it's on, and so I'm going to buy it tomorrow. Great song, kind of sad, but really amazingly good. Yay.

Anyways... I am mentally exhausted, and I'm going to try and take control of my life instead of standing by and observing everything else. I'm tired of it.

I'm sick and tired of it. So I'm going to work on it, and, hopefully, I'll actually succeed in my plight. You'll know if I fail by the wailing and the sudden activeness on here of depressing musicality and many pictures of sadness accompanied by the cynical text about how everything sucks.

And so I'm off, to write... and I'll probably text a friend of mine later and talk to him. Whatever.

Have fun while I'm gone, people from site!

Loves, and Santi!

(Lyrical title from: There There by Radiohead.)

Part One of My Confessions

I feel like Usher when I say that title...

I know that I said that I was making postcards for PostSecret, but... I dunno. I probably will, so be patient.

But this is one confession from me: I used to "love" someone... who didn't love me. At all. I wasted about ten months and thousands of heartaches and tears on him, and he never even liked me. I thought I loved him... it hurt like love did when he burned my soul at the stake... and now I'm over him.

So, that's why I focus my affections on stars of music, like Taking Back Sunday's Matt and Adam, or Fall Out Boy's Pete and Patrick. Because I've never met them, I can invent them to be who I want them to be. They can't be ruined in my mind until I meet them. To me, they are perfect. To me, they are everything I want them to be.

So, whatever. I find that loving celebrities that are who I want them to be is easier than loving someone I know and getting hurt again.

I'll post my postcards in a few days... I just need to make them, scan them, mail them, and then post their images.

Later.